YOU

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It’s true, it happens.
Those moments when you look at someone that you love so much that you are out of words, you are spellbound, awestruck, shocked out of happiness.

It’s true that it happens.
When I look at you, in your eyes, those beaming beautiful eyes, I see something more than just a reflection of myself.

I feel that you’re a part of me and that is why I don’t feel lost when I look into your eyes, I feel at home.

I see the promise you’ve made to me, a promise to stay by my side, always.
I see your desire for me.
I see your vulnerabilities and your futile attempts to hide them.
I see and sense your strengths that you cover up at times.
I see the man you want to be.
I see the trust that you have in us.
I see your belief that nothing can tear us apart, how even if we forget each other, get lost ; we’ll always find a way back to each other.
I see you, Bunny, I see it all.

There’s always so much to say Bunny, but in those moments, those weak moments, when we are two bare souls looking at each other, I am out of words.
Because I see so much more than just my bare reflection, I see you and me both.
It’s true, it happens.
Love makes you lose your voice and I surely have lost mine.

Before I leave

"Hi Bunny..

I know that we have had our differences, but I still love you. Is it enough to bring you back? I know that I broke your heart when I called it off, I know that you have been hurting, I know that it has been rough. Sorry will never be enough.. Nothing will ever be enough. 

So many dreams , plans , ambitions , all laid to waste. I don't know what to say. Everything reminds me of you. I am trying to keep myself busy, just so that I can push those memories out of my mind but you seem to have left a piece of you everywhere in my being. 

People say that moving on is what I must keep focusing on, but the truth is that so many parts of me don't want to move on, they always want to keep remembering you, no matter wherever you are. 

It is scary out there, in the real world, for a creature of imagination that I am. I am anxious, frightened, purplexed about love. You are my one & only. I don't know if I will find someone like you ever again. I know as I say all this, you will think that if you are worth so much to me then why did I call it off, throw away years of love, promises, fantasies.... 

I don't know what to say Bunny, somewhere down the line, I had realised that I couldn't make you happy, that you were always unhappy, worried with me, also that a girl like me would not have been a perfect fit in your family. Your family is important to you and it would tear me apart to see that you are troubled and frustrated cause I am unable to adjust in the family. I did think that we could get back, sort it out, give it another try, but our indifferences, impatience, angry & hurt got in the way. 

Maybe a huge part of you will always hate me, remember me as a vile human who brought so much sorrow in your life. It is a small price to pay for your happiness. I did say that if I had to marry it is going to be you and only you, no one else. I think I am going to continue to do that with whatever time I have left, for it is the only promise that I can keep forever. I have loved you and always will, Bunny, my forever. Lastly, don't you ever forget that you are a good person. I have meaning to tell you all this, before I leave, to search for you in my next life. Take care, stay happy and wish me luck Bunny."

"That's it, I think. Please make sure he gets it, reads it. I always wanted to say all this to him, but  as you know time hasn't quite been on my side." said a weak and frail looking Nemo as she layed on the hospital bed with eyes filled with tears. 

I quickly scribbled all that she had to say on the diary and promised her that I will personally make sure the Bunny reads the message hoping that he will visit her before she breathes her last breath , while the cancer consumes her. 

Nemo was a beautiful looking twenty seven year old woman who recently was diagnosed with stage four lukaemia and was given three months to live. Death is unpredictable, scary, sad... But nursing someone who about is about to die is the toughest, the most painful of all. I hope she goes away peacefully, that she finds her Bunny in the next life. 

The Ring

A small circular band worn on your finger, piece of jewellery usually made of gold, silver or other precious gems, a ring holds different meaning for people. For someone it is a just piece of decoration, for someone a sense of status, for some it is representative of a permanent bond with your partner but what does a ring mean to me?

The rings on my finger always carried the label of being just jewellery and nothing more but the one on his finger, oh boy! To me it was so much more than just a piece of metal. It changed my reality, made me realise that some roads have been permanently closed off for me now. Certain paths cannot be retraced anymore, that it is no use of waiting anymore. The door that I had held open since two years, the doorframe by which I stood for him to walk through, that door not only is shut for me but it also doesn’t exist anymore for me.

When I met him, I spoke with him, understood that he was with someone else now, that he was someone else’s future now.

It was such a bittersweet moment for me. There was this outburst of happiness for him and the new life that he has ahead of him. I was so invested in him that I literally forgot all about me in those split seconds. Until the moment I saw that ring on his finger, a little part of me somehow managed to keep him alive in my heart and head, a sweet memory of him, a record that was on replay whenever times were hard, some snippets from the good times, and they helped me get through the tough times, but little did I know that a dainty little band on his finger had the power to take away from me all of it in just seconds.

I have read almost a dozen self-help books now, but who knew that the best reality check in life would come from a ring? He wasn’t what I had made him in my head. All this while, when I clutched onto his memories , each time I wasn’t in good shape, reliving my past, he moved one step ahead towards her, his future.

I am yet to find the ability and strength to fall in love with anyone after him, and he fell in love all over again, wholly, madly, and truly. When we parted ways, I stood there watching him walk down the stairs and never look back at me again, I silently prayed that he get all the love and happiness he deserves in life.

How long before you let a person go? Like, what is the time frame? Or can you even let go of the person? Should people like me, who find letting go so difficult, even get attached to someone in the first place? I hadn’t ever been a person who was afraid to fall in love, even if I had to start from point zero, but now things have changed. It has been so difficult lately. I am afraid to open up to anyone; the idea of love seems fake to me. It feels like this romantic ending that I had been fantasizing for myself since childhood is either something I won’t get or that I was never meant for it.

Isn’t it strange that a piece of jewellery can make you go through such a roller coaster of emotions in a jiffy, how it can you question your life decisions, how it can throw you into hours  if not months of self-contemplation about who you are and change your being.

 If you ask me, a ring is definitely powerful than Thanos. For me that ring wasn’t just a band on his finger, it was a final declaration that you can now walk past those doors, roads and porches where you stood all these years waiting for change, waiting for him. That it is time to finally accept and get up and leave forever.

In other Reality…

Oh good God!! What has my life come to?

This is a weird phase I am into, feels as if I am stuck in a limbo of some sort, perhaps a wicked and twisted dream, but the only catch is that this dream or reality is totally my creation. I have been reading about people on how they change their lives around, they become these enviable and super human versions of themselves and God , I so want to be in that league. The thing is I still haven’t figured on how to do all of it. My life is all over the place right now, I am all over the place. I want to make sense of it all, try to piece it all together to form some meaningful big picture but I haven’t gotten anywhere.

I am pretty sure that many souls around the world are going through this same shit or maybe something even worse. How do we fix ourselves? What are you guys doing to better yourselves? I have spent days on the bed contemplating my life, wondering what could’ve been.Heck I even read thirteen self help books in 5 months !! I know that the self help gurus are going to say that this is my problem that I am not putting myself out there, that all I need to do is just act on something but what if I am unable to do so?

Two years ago, I had a shitty breakup. I had been thinking that I am over him by now but little did I know that even after 2 fucking years , I will still be stuck on the same guy and you know why that has been happening to me?? It is because no matter what went down between us that caused the split, I still freaking love him. I tried to find that love in others but I couldn’t. You fall in love just once I believe and he was that one time for me. Now this entire idea of falling for someone feels farce. i hasn’t been easy to connect with others. The times I sincerely tried, let me tell you, I have failed monumentally.Who knew that one heart break can tear you apart in ways in which you couldn’t even imagine. The books and countless podcasts made me realize that I was more hurt than I had anticipated. On the surface I always tried to put on this super tough and go-getter kind of exterior but I know that deep down I am a person who is hurting every single day. I still wish if he would have understood me a little . These two years I have spent just understanding and analyzing what all had happened that caused us to split. I have learned so much about myself, it is mind boggling. All this pondering helped me figure out him as well, what he had been trying to say at times which I couldn’t get at the time.

Loving him was easy but getting over him is beyond difficult. I have shut myself off from everyone right now. I still remember distinctly the little note that I wrote to him in which I had mentioned that for me it has and will always be just him and no one else, how I want him to be my forever and if it is not gonna be him then I would want nobody else. Well, in every possible conceivable way I am now abiding by that. It has been a tough pill to swallow that some things are just not meant to be.

Dear Bunny, I so wanted things to be different. If at all in those moments had you understood what I was trying to say, only if you would have accepted all that I was getting through you, I know today you would be mine and I would be yours. You fall in love just once and for me that love has been you and will always be just you. I know that we aren’t together anymore in this reality but I hope and wish that we end up together in some other universe, that in some other reality we both find each other and finally get our happily ever after that we always had set out to build.

THE WHITE SCARF

Amber had become a regular at The Jamie’s.

She sat in her usual spot, right beside the window, with her usual latte and chocolate cupcake. She had recently taken to writing. Every morning before the clock hit eight, Amber was at the café with her journal. She took the seat beside the window and kept looking at the passersby as she sipped her latte. What struck odd about Amber was that she always wore a white scarf around her neck. The scarf was pearly white in color just like her the colur of snow.  Anyone who would have seen Amber, would know that she was sad, that she longed for someone.

The waiters did try to cheer her up by writing her little notes and sketching some cartoon characters on them. She would smile when she read them but the smile was wiped off when she looked at her white scarf.

On one Sunday, as Amber entered the café, to her dismay she found that someone had taken her seat. She quickly, without wasting a second went up to the girl to ask her to take another seat. As she approached the girl, she heard whimpering and sobbing. Amber backed up a little. She felt hesitant to ask the girl why she was crying, thinking that it was too much work and she’d rather sit somewhere else to write her journal. As Amber was about to leave, the girl tucked at her dress, whispering,” Please, please…. Can you talk to me for a while?” Without saying much, Amber quietly sat down. The girl slowly lifted up her face to meet Amber’s eyes. With just one look, Amber knew what was wrong. She gently pressed on the girls hand and said that he wasn’t worth it. It is alright. The girl was taken aback. She had a perplexed look on her face. Her tears dried up and she sat upright and asked Amber how did she know that she was dumped without her even saying a word to Amber.

There was a sudden change in the atmosphere, instead of heartbreak and sadness there was curiosity occupying the space between the two girls.

Amber was now looking at the window as she began to narrate the story to the girl. She said,” Before you, he was with me. We dated for two years, we were happy together until things started to change; he started to change. There were lot of fights and crying involved. I was made to feel like trash, like I was the reason for all this, like I was the problem. I did believe that I had become the problem. I was dumped on Christmas Eve. The time when people all around the world wish each other ‘Happy New Year’, I was asked to get lost.  He said that he couldn’t handle things anymore that I was irritating and it was just too much for him. Things got so out of hand that I had forgotten who I was. I have cried on countless nights and begged for him to come back saying that it will better next time. None of that happened. I was lost, directionless, and helpless. I started coming to this café, this seat where you are sitting right now is where it had all happened. Just recently, I saw him go out with you. I watched you two share ice cream together, click pictures, have fun.” All this while Amber clutched on to her scarf as she spoke.

“He dumped me today saying that I was not good enough for him, that I was irritating and too much work.” , said the girl , as she began to sob uncontrollably.

Amber saw herself in that girl. She too, was like this about a year ago. The two girls bonded really fast and talked for hours about relationships, cats, food and how unicorns did exist just like the mermaids.

The sun had set, the mood shifted from gloomy to gleeful. The girls giggled and laughed as they stared at the empty latte cups.

Amber looked up to her and held her hand and said,” he is not worth it. Trust me. You’ll be fine, just give it some time.”

As she said this, she look off the white scarf, place it on the table, gave one last look to the girl, smiled at her and left.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

LOVE

I wonder what he might be doing right now.

Is he staring in the mirror, checking out himself or is he playing with his hair?
Is he thinking of me, like I am right now?
Is he also looking at the moon, and staring at twinkling stars while I think of him?
Umm.. no, I guess he might be with his friends or he might be working.
I wonder if he knows how often I think of him, how I’ve made him my secret obsession.
He once asked me what love is. I said, it’s something you can’t define and love makes you do things for others to make them happy. Back then this was the only understanding of this word I had.

Now, as the time has passed, I can better define love.

Love is… It’s him.

Love is what I feel when his lips purse into a cheeky smile.

Love is what I feel when he brags about his hair, all the time, how he loves them, how the hairdresser loves his locks and how all the people keep mentioning how gorgeous his locks are.

Love is what I feel when he holds his head high while he speaks of the girls that hit on him and how he almost never gives into the temptations.. how the seductresses are all around him, but he has the mighty power to hold himself back and not fall prey to those perfectly toned calves and gluttons, those beautiful looking, faces with sharp and pointy noses and those, with hair of the colour, the bright red blame has. He lovingly calls him, his ‘Ginger-heads’ which almost always cracks me up.

Love is what I feel when, he tries to make me laugh during a serious talk and how it mostly backfires at him. How, he quietly takes the blame for it, making that cute puppy face while he says, ” Hey, it was getting dark so I thought I’d cheer you up a little.. I’m sorry.”
(That puppy face and sweet voice, it’s a combination of cuteness, also my weakness. I always give into it.)

Love is what I feel when he stops for a moment and just stares at me.. There’s just silence that speaks for what he feels.
He famously calls it the “Awkward Silence”.
Does he know that I appreciate them a lot?

Love is what I feel when he gifts me something and then waits for days to see me in it, like a kid who eagerly waits for his Christmas presents. Oh, how his eyes light up and lips shape into a big smile as he watches me twirl in the dress.

Love is what I feel when after a long wait, I get to listen to his voice through the cell phone. What a blissful sound it is! Relaxing and reassuring..

Love is what I feel when he understands the subtle things.. when he gets me and puts me first.

Love is his warmth which I carefully keep locked up, safely in my heart. His warmth , that helps me shut my eyes on dark, cold days.

This is what love is for me, It’s him.

As the years pass, will my love for him fade away, or will it stay the same? I think, it will just grow deeper and deeper..

Will we end up together? I don’t know.
I guess some answers are best left to this universe and it’s workings.

All I want to say is that I have finally found my forever in him..

HIM

 Those warm hugs that comforted me when I cried over your shoulder.

Those cheerful eyes that radiated happiness to all who peeped into them.

That cheesy , dorky smile that assured me that everything is gonna be alright now that you’re  there with me.

That scent, so strong that it made my head swoon.

Those fingers that fit perfectly with mine.

That feeling of belongingness when I stood right beside you.

Just everything about you…….

 

“Michelle, darling please  get rid of that white shirt. It’s been months already baby.”

“Yes, mother.” , I  said as I held his white shirt in my hands, feeling its softness against my cheeks, sniffing it’s scent for the last time, finally tossing it into the recycle bin.

 

I let go of him today but his memories, I still cherish them.

 

 

CINNAMON

 

“So Cinderella finally met her ‘Prince Charming’ and they lived happily ever after.”

“That’s it mommy?”

“Yes,  sweetie. Now go to bed. Mommy has work to do. Good night sweetheart. Sleep tight.”

Samantha gently kissed her daughter’s forehead, tucked her in, turned off the lights and tiptoed out of the room with the story book in her hand.

“Oh no, no, no, no…. Not again! Crap!” , she exclaimed as she looked at her watch. She darted into the bathroom midway picking up her red heels.  As she began to fix her soft brown locks, she began thinking of which look she wanted to go for today. But firstly it was important to conceal all the bruises and the hickeys. She carefully dabbed some liquid on her face and arms to conceal the purple spots and the blue-black ones. “A girl’s body shouldn’t have any scares”, she softly spoke to herself.

As Samantha began to transform into Cinnamon, she stared at the picture of a couple she had put up on her bathroom mirror; a cut out from the Elle magazine, and thought to herself that maybe someday she could too have a handsome guy right beside her to make her happy. “ Maybe I am just another Cinderella waiting for her prince charming. Just one more day in this hell…. “, she said to herself as she did her eyes. Her phone buzzed. It was Cindy from work.

Samantha  smeared the darkest tint of red on her lips finishing up her makeup,  stole a  quick glance of herself in the mirror; Cinnamon was ready.

She checked on her daughter, looked around the house, took the keys and left.

After an hour or so, she reached her work place where she met Cindy. They exchanged their usual ‘hellos’ and complimented each other on how great they looked tonight as they stood in the freezing, dark, alleys hollering at men who came; hoping that out of all the guys they sleep with today, maybe one will be their Prince Charming.  

 

 

 

 

THE TALK

Just like every other day, Brittany was on her way to the cliff, her usual spot since a month. It was a ten minute hike from the outskirts of the town. Britt enjoyed the hike, the cool breeze but her favourite was the sound of the ocean. She studied the waves very carefully as she sat there talking to her grandmother. The ocean reflected her mood. At times it was aggressive, at times calm, and just blissful to look at. Britt had recently lost her grandmother. “The pain will go away after some time. It will be fine.” Those words resonated in her head everyday as she passed by the houses of the neighbors. But Britt knew that the pain wasn’t getting any less as each day passed by. Every morning was a struggle to live; it was almost difficult for her to get out of the bed to reach for a glass of water. Britt’s grandmother always took her to the cliff, as the sun began to set and they talked about how life was or how James, Britt’s classmate always bullied her.
Recently even James had become awfully quiet. It was probably because of how sad Brittany looked all the time. He said that it wasn’t any fun pestering her because she wouldn’t react to anything that he did.
It was a beautiful and chilly autumn evening. Britt left her house to go to the cliff. As she was climbing , she heard someone crying, she quickly reached the top and to her shock, it was James. He sat there with his knees to his chest ,his eyes all red and puffy, crying as loud as he could. Britt slowly went upto him and asked him what was wrong. To her surprise, James pulled her in a hug, his embrace so tight that Britt thought she was sure to break a bone or two. There they sat, in the evening sun, talking to each other, pouring their hearts out to each other. James’s parents were going to take a divorce and it seemed that it was too much for him to handle. They talked for hours until finally it was too dark and both started for home, holding hands and secretly thankful to each other. Britt knew that day that she wasn’t alone. James squeezed her hand, reassuring her that he will always be by her side. All feel pain; few come forward to talk about it.
That day, two suicides were prevented. At times talking is a good solution.

JENNIFER, I LOVE YOU.

“Today will be different.” , Jake said to himself as he stood  in front of the mirror, staring at his reflection.

Jake was all okay, happy and a bright young boy until the tenth grade. After that something just wasn’t right. His behavior changed. Jake wasn’t all smiles anymore. He used to lock himself up in his room for days together. Food wasn’t his first love anymore, especially after being diagnosed with an eating disorder. Diana couldn’t understand what was going wrong  with her son. She took him for short weekend trips to cheer him up, tried to confront him about his problems, she also made Jake join a self-help group thinking that maybe he’d be able to open up and address his problems with people his own age. But nothing worked. All of Diana’s attempts were fruitless. Until one night when it all came to light. She now knew what was troubling her son so much.

“No! I am not going to hide anymore. I won’t take this anymore. I am what I am and I won’t change even an inch of it. Let them make fun of me as much as they want. Today I will go up to Shane and tell him to stop what he has been doing. He can’t do this to me. It’s enough now. Today I must speak up or else I might do ‘it’ again.” , Jake said to himself as he got ready for school.

Jake had a  brief  history of clinical depression. He had cut himself many times. His trips to the hospital for the failed suicide attempts had been too much for Diana. That day she made him sit in front of her and asked him to tell her what was going on. Jake told her how he was being bullied at school.  A group of boys abused him at school. They also created several memes and videos about him and got them to go viral on various social media sites. And all of this just because he was different. Because he conducted himself differently than others.

” Mummy does so much for me. She’s also been through a lot. She has helped me change two schools and we have already moved twice since Papa died. I can’t burden her  like this anymore. I must be strong. I can do this. I can. Today will be different.”, Jake spoke with a voice filled with courage and strength but his eyes spoke of a different emotion altogether. He fell to the floor with tears flooding his eyes. He couldn’t stop the memories of his father from rushing into his brain. He missed him a lot. It had just been six months since he had lost his father to a tragic accident.

“Jake, honey, are you ready? You’ll be late. Jake? Are you even listening to me? Jake? Common, hurry up already.”, Diana said as she climbed up the stairs to Jake’s room hastily. When she saw Jake on the floor, she couldn’t help crying. She ran to embrace him in her arms.

“Jake, I know how difficult it has been for you. You’ve gone through a lot. But don’t worry. I have all the paperwork done. Today will be your last day at this school. Tomorrow we’ll be moving out of this town. I am sure that you’ll like the new place. I have taken care of everything. We will begin with the medical procedures and the surgery as soon as you feel ready. Honey, please don’t cry. I can’t see you like this. I want you to know that you are not alone in this. I am there for you. I don’t care what the world says. I want you to know that your Mummy is here for you and that we’ll fight all of this together. I love you Jake. I love you so much.” , having said that Diana hugged him even tighter than before.

Jake faced his mother and wiping her tears began speaking to her politely while looking into her eyes, “Mummy, it’s not Jake, remember? We talked about this that night. It’s Jennifer. I’m Jennifer, Ma. Jennifer.”

“Oh, yes. Jennifer. I’m sorry. Jennifer, I love you.”

 

If we all learn to accept people for who they are then I believe that for each of those people, there will be a ‘today’ that will be different. Transgender, homosexual or bisexual, they’re still humans. Humans who deserve love, respect and most of all, acceptance.

#lgbt #love

“GENDER PREFERANCE DOESN’T DEFINE YOU, YOUR SPIRIT DOES.”

                                                                                                                              – P.C.CAST