The Ring

A small circular band worn on your finger, piece of jewellery usually made of gold, silver or other precious gems, a ring holds different meaning for people. For someone it is a just piece of decoration, for someone a sense of status, for some it is representative of a permanent bond with your partner but what does a ring mean to me?

The rings on my finger always carried the label of being just jewellery and nothing more but the one on his finger, oh boy! To me it was so much more than just a piece of metal. It changed my reality, made me realise that some roads have been permanently closed off for me now. Certain paths cannot be retraced anymore, that it is no use of waiting anymore. The door that I had held open since two years, the doorframe by which I stood for him to walk through, that door not only is shut for me but it also doesn’t exist anymore for me.

When I met him, I spoke with him, understood that he was with someone else now, that he was someone else’s future now.

It was such a bittersweet moment for me. There was this outburst of happiness for him and the new life that he has ahead of him. I was so invested in him that I literally forgot all about me in those split seconds. Until the moment I saw that ring on his finger, a little part of me somehow managed to keep him alive in my heart and head, a sweet memory of him, a record that was on replay whenever times were hard, some snippets from the good times, and they helped me get through the tough times, but little did I know that a dainty little band on his finger had the power to take away from me all of it in just seconds.

I have read almost a dozen self-help books now, but who knew that the best reality check in life would come from a ring? He wasn’t what I had made him in my head. All this while, when I clutched onto his memories , each time I wasn’t in good shape, reliving my past, he moved one step ahead towards her, his future.

I am yet to find the ability and strength to fall in love with anyone after him, and he fell in love all over again, wholly, madly, and truly. When we parted ways, I stood there watching him walk down the stairs and never look back at me again, I silently prayed that he get all the love and happiness he deserves in life.

How long before you let a person go? Like, what is the time frame? Or can you even let go of the person? Should people like me, who find letting go so difficult, even get attached to someone in the first place? I hadn’t ever been a person who was afraid to fall in love, even if I had to start from point zero, but now things have changed. It has been so difficult lately. I am afraid to open up to anyone; the idea of love seems fake to me. It feels like this romantic ending that I had been fantasizing for myself since childhood is either something I won’t get or that I was never meant for it.

Isn’t it strange that a piece of jewellery can make you go through such a roller coaster of emotions in a jiffy, how it can you question your life decisions, how it can throw you into hours  if not months of self-contemplation about who you are and change your being.

 If you ask me, a ring is definitely powerful than Thanos. For me that ring wasn’t just a band on his finger, it was a final declaration that you can now walk past those doors, roads and porches where you stood all these years waiting for change, waiting for him. That it is time to finally accept and get up and leave forever.

In other Reality…

Oh good God!! What has my life come to?

This is a weird phase I am into, feels as if I am stuck in a limbo of some sort, perhaps a wicked and twisted dream, but the only catch is that this dream or reality is totally my creation. I have been reading about people on how they change their lives around, they become these enviable and super human versions of themselves and God , I so want to be in that league. The thing is I still haven’t figured on how to do all of it. My life is all over the place right now, I am all over the place. I want to make sense of it all, try to piece it all together to form some meaningful big picture but I haven’t gotten anywhere.

I am pretty sure that many souls around the world are going through this same shit or maybe something even worse. How do we fix ourselves? What are you guys doing to better yourselves? I have spent days on the bed contemplating my life, wondering what could’ve been.Heck I even read thirteen self help books in 5 months !! I know that the self help gurus are going to say that this is my problem that I am not putting myself out there, that all I need to do is just act on something but what if I am unable to do so?

Two years ago, I had a shitty breakup. I had been thinking that I am over him by now but little did I know that even after 2 fucking years , I will still be stuck on the same guy and you know why that has been happening to me?? It is because no matter what went down between us that caused the split, I still freaking love him. I tried to find that love in others but I couldn’t. You fall in love just once I believe and he was that one time for me. Now this entire idea of falling for someone feels farce. i hasn’t been easy to connect with others. The times I sincerely tried, let me tell you, I have failed monumentally.Who knew that one heart break can tear you apart in ways in which you couldn’t even imagine. The books and countless podcasts made me realize that I was more hurt than I had anticipated. On the surface I always tried to put on this super tough and go-getter kind of exterior but I know that deep down I am a person who is hurting every single day. I still wish if he would have understood me a little . These two years I have spent just understanding and analyzing what all had happened that caused us to split. I have learned so much about myself, it is mind boggling. All this pondering helped me figure out him as well, what he had been trying to say at times which I couldn’t get at the time.

Loving him was easy but getting over him is beyond difficult. I have shut myself off from everyone right now. I still remember distinctly the little note that I wrote to him in which I had mentioned that for me it has and will always be just him and no one else, how I want him to be my forever and if it is not gonna be him then I would want nobody else. Well, in every possible conceivable way I am now abiding by that. It has been a tough pill to swallow that some things are just not meant to be.

Dear Bunny, I so wanted things to be different. If at all in those moments had you understood what I was trying to say, only if you would have accepted all that I was getting through you, I know today you would be mine and I would be yours. You fall in love just once and for me that love has been you and will always be just you. I know that we aren’t together anymore in this reality but I hope and wish that we end up together in some other universe, that in some other reality we both find each other and finally get our happily ever after that we always had set out to build.