The Ring

A small circular band worn on your finger, piece of jewellery usually made of gold, silver or other precious gems, a ring holds different meaning for people. For someone it is a just piece of decoration, for someone a sense of status, for some it is representative of a permanent bond with your partner but what does a ring mean to me?

The rings on my finger always carried the label of being just jewellery and nothing more but the one on his finger, oh boy! To me it was so much more than just a piece of metal. It changed my reality, made me realise that some roads have been permanently closed off for me now. Certain paths cannot be retraced anymore, that it is no use of waiting anymore. The door that I had held open since two years, the doorframe by which I stood for him to walk through, that door not only is shut for me but it also doesn’t exist anymore for me.

When I met him, I spoke with him, understood that he was with someone else now, that he was someone else’s future now.

It was such a bittersweet moment for me. There was this outburst of happiness for him and the new life that he has ahead of him. I was so invested in him that I literally forgot all about me in those split seconds. Until the moment I saw that ring on his finger, a little part of me somehow managed to keep him alive in my heart and head, a sweet memory of him, a record that was on replay whenever times were hard, some snippets from the good times, and they helped me get through the tough times, but little did I know that a dainty little band on his finger had the power to take away from me all of it in just seconds.

I have read almost a dozen self-help books now, but who knew that the best reality check in life would come from a ring? He wasn’t what I had made him in my head. All this while, when I clutched onto his memories , each time I wasn’t in good shape, reliving my past, he moved one step ahead towards her, his future.

I am yet to find the ability and strength to fall in love with anyone after him, and he fell in love all over again, wholly, madly, and truly. When we parted ways, I stood there watching him walk down the stairs and never look back at me again, I silently prayed that he get all the love and happiness he deserves in life.

How long before you let a person go? Like, what is the time frame? Or can you even let go of the person? Should people like me, who find letting go so difficult, even get attached to someone in the first place? I hadn’t ever been a person who was afraid to fall in love, even if I had to start from point zero, but now things have changed. It has been so difficult lately. I am afraid to open up to anyone; the idea of love seems fake to me. It feels like this romantic ending that I had been fantasizing for myself since childhood is either something I won’t get or that I was never meant for it.

Isn’t it strange that a piece of jewellery can make you go through such a roller coaster of emotions in a jiffy, how it can you question your life decisions, how it can throw you into hours  if not months of self-contemplation about who you are and change your being.

 If you ask me, a ring is definitely powerful than Thanos. For me that ring wasn’t just a band on his finger, it was a final declaration that you can now walk past those doors, roads and porches where you stood all these years waiting for change, waiting for him. That it is time to finally accept and get up and leave forever.

In other Reality…

Oh good God!! What has my life come to?

This is a weird phase I am into, feels as if I am stuck in a limbo of some sort, perhaps a wicked and twisted dream, but the only catch is that this dream or reality is totally my creation. I have been reading about people on how they change their lives around, they become these enviable and super human versions of themselves and God , I so want to be in that league. The thing is I still haven’t figured on how to do all of it. My life is all over the place right now, I am all over the place. I want to make sense of it all, try to piece it all together to form some meaningful big picture but I haven’t gotten anywhere.

I am pretty sure that many souls around the world are going through this same shit or maybe something even worse. How do we fix ourselves? What are you guys doing to better yourselves? I have spent days on the bed contemplating my life, wondering what could’ve been.Heck I even read thirteen self help books in 5 months !! I know that the self help gurus are going to say that this is my problem that I am not putting myself out there, that all I need to do is just act on something but what if I am unable to do so?

Two years ago, I had a shitty breakup. I had been thinking that I am over him by now but little did I know that even after 2 fucking years , I will still be stuck on the same guy and you know why that has been happening to me?? It is because no matter what went down between us that caused the split, I still freaking love him. I tried to find that love in others but I couldn’t. You fall in love just once I believe and he was that one time for me. Now this entire idea of falling for someone feels farce. i hasn’t been easy to connect with others. The times I sincerely tried, let me tell you, I have failed monumentally.Who knew that one heart break can tear you apart in ways in which you couldn’t even imagine. The books and countless podcasts made me realize that I was more hurt than I had anticipated. On the surface I always tried to put on this super tough and go-getter kind of exterior but I know that deep down I am a person who is hurting every single day. I still wish if he would have understood me a little . These two years I have spent just understanding and analyzing what all had happened that caused us to split. I have learned so much about myself, it is mind boggling. All this pondering helped me figure out him as well, what he had been trying to say at times which I couldn’t get at the time.

Loving him was easy but getting over him is beyond difficult. I have shut myself off from everyone right now. I still remember distinctly the little note that I wrote to him in which I had mentioned that for me it has and will always be just him and no one else, how I want him to be my forever and if it is not gonna be him then I would want nobody else. Well, in every possible conceivable way I am now abiding by that. It has been a tough pill to swallow that some things are just not meant to be.

Dear Bunny, I so wanted things to be different. If at all in those moments had you understood what I was trying to say, only if you would have accepted all that I was getting through you, I know today you would be mine and I would be yours. You fall in love just once and for me that love has been you and will always be just you. I know that we aren’t together anymore in this reality but I hope and wish that we end up together in some other universe, that in some other reality we both find each other and finally get our happily ever after that we always had set out to build.

YOU

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It’s true, it happens.
Those moments when you look at someone that you love so much that you are out of words, you are spellbound, awestruck, shocked out of happiness.

It’s true that it happens.
When I look at you, in your eyes, those beaming beautiful eyes, I see something more than just a reflection of myself.

I feel that you’re a part of me and that is why I don’t feel lost when I look into your eyes, I feel at home.

I see the promise you’ve made to me, a promise to stay by my side, always.
I see your desire for me.
I see your vulnerabilities and your futile attempts to hide them.
I see and sense your strengths that you cover up at times.
I see the man you want to be.
I see the trust that you have in us.
I see your belief that nothing can tear us apart, how even if we forget each other, get lost ; we’ll always find a way back to each other.
I see you, Bunny, I see it all.

There’s always so much to say Bunny, but in those moments, those weak moments, when we are two bare souls looking at each other, I am out of words.
Because I see so much more than just my bare reflection, I see you and me both.
It’s true, it happens.
Love makes you lose your voice and I surely have lost mine.

Before I leave

"Hi Bunny..

I know that we have had our differences, but I still love you. Is it enough to bring you back? I know that I broke your heart when I called it off, I know that you have been hurting, I know that it has been rough. Sorry will never be enough.. Nothing will ever be enough. 

So many dreams , plans , ambitions , all laid to waste. I don't know what to say. Everything reminds me of you. I am trying to keep myself busy, just so that I can push those memories out of my mind but you seem to have left a piece of you everywhere in my being. 

People say that moving on is what I must keep focusing on, but the truth is that so many parts of me don't want to move on, they always want to keep remembering you, no matter wherever you are. 

It is scary out there, in the real world, for a creature of imagination that I am. I am anxious, frightened, purplexed about love. You are my one & only. I don't know if I will find someone like you ever again. I know as I say all this, you will think that if you are worth so much to me then why did I call it off, throw away years of love, promises, fantasies.... 

I don't know what to say Bunny, somewhere down the line, I had realised that I couldn't make you happy, that you were always unhappy, worried with me, also that a girl like me would not have been a perfect fit in your family. Your family is important to you and it would tear me apart to see that you are troubled and frustrated cause I am unable to adjust in the family. I did think that we could get back, sort it out, give it another try, but our indifferences, impatience, angry & hurt got in the way. 

Maybe a huge part of you will always hate me, remember me as a vile human who brought so much sorrow in your life. It is a small price to pay for your happiness. I did say that if I had to marry it is going to be you and only you, no one else. I think I am going to continue to do that with whatever time I have left, for it is the only promise that I can keep forever. I have loved you and always will, Bunny, my forever. Lastly, don't you ever forget that you are a good person. I have meaning to tell you all this, before I leave, to search for you in my next life. Take care, stay happy and wish me luck Bunny."

"That's it, I think. Please make sure he gets it, reads it. I always wanted to say all this to him, but  as you know time hasn't quite been on my side." said a weak and frail looking Nemo as she layed on the hospital bed with eyes filled with tears. 

I quickly scribbled all that she had to say on the diary and promised her that I will personally make sure the Bunny reads the message hoping that he will visit her before she breathes her last breath , while the cancer consumes her. 

Nemo was a beautiful looking twenty seven year old woman who recently was diagnosed with stage four lukaemia and was given three months to live. Death is unpredictable, scary, sad... But nursing someone who about is about to die is the toughest, the most painful of all. I hope she goes away peacefully, that she finds her Bunny in the next life.