Oh good God!! What has my life come to?
This is a weird phase I am into, feels as if I am stuck in a limbo of some sort, perhaps a wicked and twisted dream, but the only catch is that this dream or reality is totally my creation. I have been reading about people on how they change their lives around, they become these enviable and super human versions of themselves and God , I so want to be in that league. The thing is I still haven’t figured on how to do all of it. My life is all over the place right now, I am all over the place. I want to make sense of it all, try to piece it all together to form some meaningful big picture but I haven’t gotten anywhere.
I am pretty sure that many souls around the world are going through this same shit or maybe something even worse. How do we fix ourselves? What are you guys doing to better yourselves? I have spent days on the bed contemplating my life, wondering what could’ve been.Heck I even read thirteen self help books in 5 months !! I know that the self help gurus are going to say that this is my problem that I am not putting myself out there, that all I need to do is just act on something but what if I am unable to do so?
Two years ago, I had a shitty breakup. I had been thinking that I am over him by now but little did I know that even after 2 fucking years , I will still be stuck on the same guy and you know why that has been happening to me?? It is because no matter what went down between us that caused the split, I still freaking love him. I tried to find that love in others but I couldn’t. You fall in love just once I believe and he was that one time for me. Now this entire idea of falling for someone feels farce. i hasn’t been easy to connect with others. The times I sincerely tried, let me tell you, I have failed monumentally.Who knew that one heart break can tear you apart in ways in which you couldn’t even imagine. The books and countless podcasts made me realize that I was more hurt than I had anticipated. On the surface I always tried to put on this super tough and go-getter kind of exterior but I know that deep down I am a person who is hurting every single day. I still wish if he would have understood me a little . These two years I have spent just understanding and analyzing what all had happened that caused us to split. I have learned so much about myself, it is mind boggling. All this pondering helped me figure out him as well, what he had been trying to say at times which I couldn’t get at the time.
Loving him was easy but getting over him is beyond difficult. I have shut myself off from everyone right now. I still remember distinctly the little note that I wrote to him in which I had mentioned that for me it has and will always be just him and no one else, how I want him to be my forever and if it is not gonna be him then I would want nobody else. Well, in every possible conceivable way I am now abiding by that. It has been a tough pill to swallow that some things are just not meant to be.
Dear Bunny, I so wanted things to be different. If at all in those moments had you understood what I was trying to say, only if you would have accepted all that I was getting through you, I know today you would be mine and I would be yours. You fall in love just once and for me that love has been you and will always be just you. I know that we aren’t together anymore in this reality but I hope and wish that we end up together in some other universe, that in some other reality we both find each other and finally get our happily ever after that we always had set out to build.
muffin978 